Monday, November 30, 2009; Y
Today, it was...
Happy-worthy things:
1. Done with A levels
2. Got my haircut
3. NYNY dinner with mum was nice
4. Fell in love with Hongki
The last one was actually something from a few days before, while I was watching YB and the post-YB period when I researched on all the main cast. I didn't want to end the list at just three. And Hongki's voice made me so depressed... in a good way I think. Since it means that his voice is so good I just keep crying. I didn't like his voice initially, from the theme song that he sang for YB (though it's a good song). But his band's previous songs like Love Sick, After Love and Don't Love are just so so good, they're hard to ignore.
It was so good, the lyrics so sad, that I went to manually pieced together the Hangul, romanisation, and translation of the lyrics line by line for easier reference. I love his voice. It makes you want to comfort him for all his sorrow. And he was only 18 when he sang the song a year ago.
I don't know the rest, but Hongki's 4th from left.
COLORFUL SENSIBILITY.
사랑하지마요 (Don't Love)
F.T. Island
가야죠 서둘러 가야죠
kayajyo sodullo kayajyo
I have to leave, I have to hurry and leave
미련이 눈물이 될테니
miryoni nunmuri dwel-teni’
Affection will turn into tears
남겨진 그대 보지 못하게
namgyojin keudae boji mothage
So that I can’t see the one I left behind
좀 더 서둘러 가야죠
chom do sodullo kayajyo
I have to hurry a bit more and leave
우네요 떠나는 사랑이
uneyo ttona-neun sarangi
She is crying, the love that I leave
차오른 슬픔이 쏟아져
cha-oreun seulpeumi ssodajyo
The overwhelming sadness is flowing
한걸음 조차 걷기도 힘들어
hangoreum jo-cha kod-kido himdeuro
It is so difficult to take a step
돌아선 채
dorason chae
With her back to me
울고만 서 있네요
ulgoman so inneyo
She stands, crying
사랑은 하지 마요
sarangeun haji mayo
Don’t ever love
이별이 꼭 온대요
ibyori kkok ondaeyo
Heartbreak will surely come
숨 쉴 수도 없이 아파요
sum shwil sudo obshi apayo
It hurts to even breathe
사랑만큼 아프면 되는 줄만
sarangmankeum apeumyon twi-neun chulman
I thought that this would only hurt
잊는 줄만 알았던 거죠
in-neun chulman arat-don gojyo
as much as I loved
아니죠 수천배는 더 아파요
anijyo su-chonbae-neun do apayo
But I was wrong. It hurts a thousand times more
겁나요 눈뜨고 사는게
gobnayo nuntteugo sa-neun-ge
I’m afraid of living with my eyes open
찾아도 보지 못할테니
chajado boji mothal-teni
Because I know I won’t see you even if I look for you
차라리 그댈 그리워하다가
charari keudael keuriwohadaga
It seems better to fall asleep exhausted
지쳐 잠든 채로 사는게 낫죠
jichyo chamdeun chaero sa-neun-ge nat-jyo
After longing for you
사랑은 하지 마요
sarangeun haji mayo
Don’t ever love
이별이 꼭 온대요
ibyori kkok ondaeyo
Heartbreak will surely come
숨 쉴 수도 없이 아파요
sum shwil sudo obshi apayo
It hurts to even breathe
사랑만큼 아프면 되는 줄만
sarangmankeum apeumyon twi-neun chulman
I thought that this would only hurt
잊는 줄만 알았던 거죠
in-neun chulman arat-don gojyo
as much as I loved
아니죠 수천배는 더 아파요
anijyo su-chonbae-neun do apayo
But I was wrong. It hurts a thousand times more
다시 다시요 안돼 안돼요
tashi dashiyo andwae andwaeyo
Just once, one more time, can’t we try it? Can’t we?
바보처럼 혼자 말해요
pabo-chorom honja mar-hae-yo
I cry out like an idiot to myself
사랑은 하지 마요 죽을만큼
sarangeun haji mayo chu-geul-mankeum apayo
Don’t ever love, it hurts enough to die
아파요 매일 눈물도 난다구요
mae-il nunmuldo nan-taguyo
You will cry every day
다른 사랑 온다면 쉬울꺼라
tareun sarang ondamyon shwiul-kkora
I told myself that when love comes again
잊을꺼라 말했었는데
ijeul-kkora marhaesson-neunde
that it would be easier and that it would last
아니죠 내 사랑은 안 되네요
anijyo nae sarangeun an dwineyo
But I was wrong. Not for my love
나는요
na-neunyo
Not for me
Of course I'm not going through a break up. It's much worse. I'm so ashamed of myself. I just re-read the smses from some time ago... I feel ashamed, and I've opened my eyes to how friends work. I didn't know before. And I also realised how I've been perceived by my now exfriends. That I don't think for others enough, and that I don't give way to them enough. That I show my real emotions too frequently, too obviously. I've been too insistent on my own stupid ways and I deserve to be exiled for being so antisocial. That's part of what's been going through my mind the whole day, ever since I got onto 174. The whole day my mind didn't rest. My head hurts from concentrating on my thoughts, because I don't want to think about things that make me feel so, so bad too. But the illogical part had to explore, it had to, to find out what's so wrong about me. I guess I found loads. Actually, I kind of despised myself for leading me into this mess. What am I doing? What have I done? I don't know. Why do they say that I'm emo? That I look antisocial, and withdrawn? Do you know why? I don't think I chose to, so why have I been like that?
I told myself that today, I mourn for the loss of their love and companionship. Tomorrow onwards, I shall reconcile with my love for myself. I know it's stupid to give up on oneself, so I won't. I will change, and leave this behind me like how they're doing. I confess to be insanely sad, and even more so to see that they don't care in the ways friends should. But soon, I won't be averting my eyes from others when they look at me. I won't have tears welling up when I hear or see those words and things that would remind me of us. Soon.
Haha. Be thankful those were just two paragraphs of emo language. I could come up with more (obviously). Just a swimming pool of sadness.
If you knew me well, do you think you would find me to be an emo person like they did, or would you find me to be an okay person, happy, and rahrah like someone used to put it? Or maybe I'm just a prisoner of my own decisions, the environment, the people have nothing to do with it.
fall for someone who catches you @20:51
