Tuesday, December 1, 2009; Y
I'm afraid of how people see me. When they see me going home alone, do they think that I'm a failure too? I dunno how my classmates Vendettas deal with this. But it must have been terrible huh? I don't even dare to turn to my 'other friends' because surely they can see through me too, seeing that I've been blogging about my downtime for such an extensive period already. And yet, it's my only "healthy" outlet. If I talked to them or asked them out, they would know that it's only cuz I have no one else. And it would be true, wouldn't it. Yeah, it is true. I have few to no one else. And I can't blame them. Because all this while, it seems like I'm the only one committing social faux pas and making them distance themselves from me. Thoughts like this form really hard lumps at the back of my throat, I'd think I'm getting some cancerous cell growth in my throat.
In the bests of my dreams for this period, they show the fruits of a successful Operation R, but they never showed how to go about achieving a successful Operation R. Why? I'm at a loss for any solution, why wouldn't my subconscious give me a hint? Do I really know nothing at all to help myself? Just for myself.
I'm really losing it. I can't believe I'm so pathetic. Even my sister said so. She called me 'pitiful'. But I don't want pity; sympathy is fine but not pity. What did you think? I choose to be deserted? I might have said that I'm a prisoner of my own decisions but my decisions were ill-informed and poorly made. No one knew. I was never wise, still am not. People are harsh in their judgments, and I can't blame them. Now I don't want to judge, because I hate to be judged.
It really takes one to know one.
And it's another tiresome, insomniac night.
fall for someone who catches you @03:25
